With the chaos of daily life, be it school runs, work or just generally not having a clue where the time is going, it’s difficult sometimes to look back and see how far we have come.
One minute you hold your newborn baby in your arms. Then the next the years have gone by much sooner than you expect.
If you had the chance to write yourself a letter just before you welcomed your first child, what would you say?
We are now Mothers, Fathers or whichever name you go by. But can you remember who you were before your world changed forever in the most wonderful way?
Feel free to write yourself a letter before the days of night time feeds, little hands to hold and lots to learn every day. Share them with me if you do!
Here’s mine!
To Nicole.
You’re so young. Only eighteen years of age. You think you know it all but there is truly so much more you are yet to learn. That’s alright though! It’s perfectly fine to take everything one day at a time.
You have spent months getting all you need for the bundle of joy you will soon have in your arms. Baby clothes. Tick. Moses basket and cot. Tick. Pram. Tick. You feel prepared. After all, you have always wanted to be a Mum and soon you will be.
Except you already are! From the moment you seen little features on an ultrasound and felt tiny legs kicking you fell in love. You will soon be overwhelmed with love, worry, night feeds and so much more.
People will make judgemental comments about you being a young mother. Don’t be afraid to be assertive and say how you feel but don’t feel the need to explain yourself to people either!
Before you know it, that newborn baby will be in junior school and when you look back people’s remarks won’t be important. It will be the night time snuggles you remember. The first steps he took, the first time he smiled at you (and all those after) and all the fun times you’ve had as a family.
Although it will be hard at times, you will take to motherhood so well, that soon you will welcome a baby girl. It can be crazy at times having two under two but as they’re very close in age, they will become best friends and it will be apparent it was meant to be that way.
You will spend every second with them until they start school. Then you will get a job and it will be difficult and a huge change but you can do it! You are not more or less than a mother whether you’re at home or at work!
After several years, you will have another Daughter and soon after another Son. Again the comments will come. ‘You don’t look old enough to have four kids!’ Just keep going Mama. Age is just a number, you are doing things your way and you love each of your babies with all of you and do everything to keep them safe and happy! That is all that matters!
Remember while they’re little that soon they’ll be almost as tall as you too. Take it all in. Laugh when you can. Cry if you need to. And never feel bad for having a day when you do simply nothing but be with your children!
Your panic attacks and anxiety will always be there and sometimes the worry will be overwhelming. But guess what? They will ease. You’ll have brought four children into the world. You’ll have had caesarean sections awake when you usually can’t even take yourself to the dentist! You will be amazed at what you can achieve and how your children will look up to you no matter what!
You will be 26 writing blogs to other parents and you will be nervous. That’s okay! Don’t doubt yourself! Just go for it! And just as you always tell your four precious little ones, all you can ever do is try your best!
This topic is one very personal to me, especially right now.
As parents, it seems you are told what is right or wrong the second you bring a child into this way. Whether it’s how they are fed, how much they are held or how you settle them off to sleep.
But the real truth is, no book or apparent expert could prepare you for the love you feel. Nor could they ever judge more than you judge yourself.
For those that were working before (like myself) maternity leave goes by in a blur or night feeds, lazy days and times when you don’t know what day it is. Before you know it, it’s time to go back! Time flies when you’re having fun. Then there will be those who are starting new jobs afterwards. Or those who stay at home.
Let me tell you now. None of them are easy. Don’t ever tell somebody they aren’t enough or that they aren’t doing enough. Parenthood can be lonely for some, especially looking at the same four walls and perhaps not seeing your friends as much as you used to.
Then again, being at work can bring anxieties to the surface and make you wonder if you should be at home after all. What is the right thing to do? What is the perfect balance?
Honestly, there is no such thing. Families come in all shapes and sizes. All beautiful. All unique. All simply trying their best. The so called grown ups (are we really?) not only trying to navigate their own lives but set the best example whilst doing so.
Before you call someone too work orientated, maybe consider that person has to work so many hours to provide. Before you call someone lazy, perhaps consider it may be difficult for them to find a job. Be it just looking for work these days, mental or physical issues, childcare costs or just simply that they don’t want to.
As a woman, I seen a quote a while ago that really resonated with me. It read ‘women are expected to raise children as if we don’t work and work as if we don’t have children.’ Powerful! And I’m not discrediting the men out there either. Because I can only imagine the pressure as a male and Father to provide for your family and be the person everyone looks up to aswell.
It all leads back to something quite simple really. Be thoughtful with your words before you say them and respect we are not all the same, nor should we be.
I salute the Mamas and Daddys who kiss their little ones and go to earn their money. I salute them all the same should they stay home and do the many jobs that home life requires.
All we can do is our best. What works what for us. And what works for our families. Never ever feel like you are lesser than someone else. Remember comparing your situation to others is unhelpful.
Instead, look at how far you’ve come. Make the most of the precious moments. The excitement of little ones running up to you when you get from work. Or the cuddles on the sofa because you just didn’t want to leave the house that day.
This is your story. Write it as you choose to. One day a time. Talking of which I will be back in work off maternity leave tomorrow, so I best sort all the school stuff out and kiss some sleepy heads goodnight.
We might not know how we are gonna do it some days, but either way it still gets done. Whichever way it does.
Savour the times that make you smile, breathe through the confusing and just know that you’ve got this!
It’s funny how we don’t truly appreciate good mental health until we struggle with it, or see loved ones do so.
One minute you’re a child without a care in the world. The next you’re an adult with the world on your shoulders. And we wanted to grow up so badly didn’t we? Of course there are childhoods that weren’t easy for some and this can also affect our mental wellbeing and outlook later in life.
It really doesn’t matter what walk of life we come from. At some point, we will struggle or watch someone we love do so and it doesn’t matter how much money you have or how big your house is. You can’t buy your way out of it. Which is a thought worth thinking about before you think of abusing people on social media who seem to have it so much easier than you.
As a mother and the writer of this very parenting blog, I’m going to delve into the topic specifically in families and how becoming a Mum or Dad can alter your state of mind or change your mindset completely. Obviously, I know there are people who suffer in different circumstances and if your story is one you would like to share please get in touch.
You hear about post natal depression and the baby blues. But you can never really prepare yourself for the change of only being responsible for you then metaphorically seeing your heart walking around and wanting to protect your children more than you’ve ever wanted to do anything before. You will never know what it’s like not to worry again.
Don’t get me wrong. I am so truly blessed beyond words to be able to bring life into this world. And to have four healthy children I get to call my own.
My point is that as parents you can’t help but feel guilty sometimes. Like you’re getting everything wrong. And when you dare to say to someone you feel exhausted or you’re struggling and their reply is you should appreciate it etc, it makes you feel even worse.
Of course we do. My first thought everytime I open my eyes in the morning and before I close them at the night is them. But there still seems to be stigmas attached to certain aspects.
I was a teenage Mum having my first son at 18. I wouldn’t change it for the world. The judgemental comments I could have done without though! People presuming I was a single parent (and even if I was, does that make me a bad Mother)? Even to this day I get ‘you don’t look old enough’ or asked to explain myself. And for a long time, I did. Now though, the only opinions that matter are those of my kids and their smiles speak so much more than strangers remarks can.
If like myself you have anxiety or panic sometimes, pregnancy (whilst being the most unbelievably special privilege you can go through) can also be a time of overthinking, worry and driving yourself mad.
Then you give birth. And this tiny human being is placed in your arms who you can’t imagine living without. Again there are always those with something to say. I’ve had four caesarean sections for health reasons and when somebody laughs and says you haven’t give birth, it is so unnecessarily cruel.
Little old me, who panics going to the dentist and having a needle, being wide awake whilst having a major operation, my brain telling me to escape while my legs can’t move, is quite extraordinary if I do say so myself. As is giving birth naturally or with other help. I wouldn’t change a thing about my birth stories because me and my babies and here and well. I would do it all again in a heartbeat to bring them into this world safely.
What I’m saying is, think before you speak. There is no easy way. No better way. Whether you’re a biological parent, adoptive parent, using a surrogate or struggling to conceive, you are strong and you are wonderful. Parenthood isn’t how we have children. It’s what we do every day.
Talking of that beautiful moment when you feel your newborn’s skin touch your chest for the first time. What happens when that rush of love doesn’t come like everyone told you about? You’re meant to feel it straight away right?
I haven’t experienced post natal depression myself but I have seen people very close to my heart go through it and it is horrible. To go through all that and then feel like you’re already getting something wrong. It isn’t your fault. It isn’t controllable. And the sooner you talk, the sooner you can get help. I know it’s not easy but I promise you it can get better and it isn’t at all you as a Mother. You as a Mother are still fighting, still working things out and can only try your best one day at a time.
Now the blues. You can’t prepare yourself for the change in hormones and your body trying to get back to ‘normal’ (whatever that is) after 9 months of creating life! You’ll probably cry and not know why. Probably struggle to recognise yourself in the mirror sometimes. But after a few weeks, unless there are other issues, your body will amaze you at how it finds harmony again. Which is why I will never put mine down or make derogatory comments about it. Especially in front of my daughters. Every mark, scar and swollen belly tells the tale of how life was created. When I was younger I tried to cover it. Now I embrace it.
That barely touches the surface really on pregnancy and post birth but it’s just a general take to try to understand the physical and mental changes on women.
But it is so important not to forget the Dads. I can’t imagine what it must be like to see the woman you love or Mother to your children in so much pain and be powerless to do anything about it. To probably feel helpless at times. Exhausted. Lonely. Overwhelmed. And perhaps feeling too embarrassed to say anything as they don’t want to take away what Mums go through.
From a personal perspective, I don’t know what I would have done without that support. Holding my hand, being by my side, doing the night feeds and helping me work it all out while working it out himself too.
Dads… you are amazing! Here’s to the fathers who are role models, who make funny jokes, who work tirelessly to provide for their families. Please don’t ever underestimate the role you play in your families life. There is no shame in either parent needing help sometimes and men are equally justified to show emotion and talk when necessary.
To the single Mums and Dads, to the Aunties and Uncles, the Grandparents and everyone who plays a role in a child’s life, you are everything you can be.
To those battling with depression and/or anxiety every day, you are a fighter. And I’m so glad you’re still here.
When it comes down to it, remember we are all only trying our very best. And even on the days we feel guilt for any little thing or we haven’t done enough, to your child you are the world.
And that is more than enough reason to keep going. All of us so beautifully diverse, winning battles nobody knows about. Be kind, always. Focus on the little things. And listen openly when someone shares their problems.
Because it could be you one day.
And of course, we should encourage our kids to speak openly about how they’re feeling and set the best example also! There are some great organisations for youngsters including place2be.
Panic attacks might tap you on the shoulder, dark days might show themselves again. But you will still be you. Parent or otherwise. And that is your power. For whatever reason big or small, there will always be inspiration to keep going and good days will come.
It isn’t everyone elses perception of you that matters. It’s yours! And with that you can do anything including telling your children how you got to where you are today! That is enough!
You might already know me as ‘UnitedSheStands.’ Or you perhaps may have just stumbled across my site somehow and wanted to have a nosy.
Either way, you probably won’t know the side to me that is most important above all else.
First and foremost I am a Mother. Of four little humans I made earlier! To the world, I have been a teenage Mum, stay at home Mum and working Mum. But to my children, I am just their Mummy. Trying my very best. Which is all any of us can do!
I can’t take all the credit myself for my four little ones of course! I am lucky that they have a brilliant Dad. So it’s important to remember that Fathers are just as much parents as Mothers. In fact, I hope all family members and/or carers can relate to some of my stories. And irrespective of how we all became families, your world is changed forever once those little eyes are looking up at (and to) you!
There are no rules here. Feel free to follow my social media to share your own stories with myself and others. Anyone who is wanting any advice is always welcome to use my pages as a platform and anonymously if necessary.
Okay. I told one lie. There is just one rule to follow. Let’s not compare children or parents. We are all only doing the best we can do and every child is so beautifully unique.
The aim is to build a safe community with posts you can relate you and we will see where it goes one day at a time.
In the words of Dory on finding Nemo (which I have made my everyday motto) ‘just keep swimming!’
UnitedWeParent 