It’s funny how we don’t truly appreciate good mental health until we struggle with it, or see loved ones do so.
One minute you’re a child without a care in the world. The next you’re an adult with the world on your shoulders. And we wanted to grow up so badly didn’t we? Of course there are childhoods that weren’t easy for some and this can also affect our mental wellbeing and outlook later in life.
It really doesn’t matter what walk of life we come from. At some point, we will struggle or watch someone we love do so and it doesn’t matter how much money you have or how big your house is. You can’t buy your way out of it. Which is a thought worth thinking about before you think of abusing people on social media who seem to have it so much easier than you.
As a mother and the writer of this very parenting blog, I’m going to delve into the topic specifically in families and how becoming a Mum or Dad can alter your state of mind or change your mindset completely. Obviously, I know there are people who suffer in different circumstances and if your story is one you would like to share please get in touch.
You hear about post natal depression and the baby blues. But you can never really prepare yourself for the change of only being responsible for you then metaphorically seeing your heart walking around and wanting to protect your children more than you’ve ever wanted to do anything before. You will never know what it’s like not to worry again.
Don’t get me wrong. I am so truly blessed beyond words to be able to bring life into this world. And to have four healthy children I get to call my own.
My point is that as parents you can’t help but feel guilty sometimes. Like you’re getting everything wrong. And when you dare to say to someone you feel exhausted or you’re struggling and their reply is you should appreciate it etc, it makes you feel even worse.
Of course we do. My first thought everytime I open my eyes in the morning and before I close them at the night is them. But there still seems to be stigmas attached to certain aspects.
I was a teenage Mum having my first son at 18. I wouldn’t change it for the world. The judgemental comments I could have done without though! People presuming I was a single parent (and even if I was, does that make me a bad Mother)? Even to this day I get ‘you don’t look old enough’ or asked to explain myself. And for a long time, I did. Now though, the only opinions that matter are those of my kids and their smiles speak so much more than strangers remarks can.
If like myself you have anxiety or panic sometimes, pregnancy (whilst being the most unbelievably special privilege you can go through) can also be a time of overthinking, worry and driving yourself mad.
Then you give birth. And this tiny human being is placed in your arms who you can’t imagine living without. Again there are always those with something to say. I’ve had four caesarean sections for health reasons and when somebody laughs and says you haven’t give birth, it is so unnecessarily cruel.
Little old me, who panics going to the dentist and having a needle, being wide awake whilst having a major operation, my brain telling me to escape while my legs can’t move, is quite extraordinary if I do say so myself. As is giving birth naturally or with other help. I wouldn’t change a thing about my birth stories because me and my babies and here and well. I would do it all again in a heartbeat to bring them into this world safely.
What I’m saying is, think before you speak. There is no easy way. No better way. Whether you’re a biological parent, adoptive parent, using a surrogate or struggling to conceive, you are strong and you are wonderful. Parenthood isn’t how we have children. It’s what we do every day.
Talking of that beautiful moment when you feel your newborn’s skin touch your chest for the first time. What happens when that rush of love doesn’t come like everyone told you about? You’re meant to feel it straight away right?
I haven’t experienced post natal depression myself but I have seen people very close to my heart go through it and it is horrible. To go through all that and then feel like you’re already getting something wrong. It isn’t your fault. It isn’t controllable. And the sooner you talk, the sooner you can get help. I know it’s not easy but I promise you it can get better and it isn’t at all you as a Mother. You as a Mother are still fighting, still working things out and can only try your best one day at a time.
Now the blues. You can’t prepare yourself for the change in hormones and your body trying to get back to ‘normal’ (whatever that is) after 9 months of creating life! You’ll probably cry and not know why. Probably struggle to recognise yourself in the mirror sometimes. But after a few weeks, unless there are other issues, your body will amaze you at how it finds harmony again. Which is why I will never put mine down or make derogatory comments about it. Especially in front of my daughters. Every mark, scar and swollen belly tells the tale of how life was created. When I was younger I tried to cover it. Now I embrace it.
That barely touches the surface really on pregnancy and post birth but it’s just a general take to try to understand the physical and mental changes on women.
But it is so important not to forget the Dads. I can’t imagine what it must be like to see the woman you love or Mother to your children in so much pain and be powerless to do anything about it. To probably feel helpless at times. Exhausted. Lonely. Overwhelmed. And perhaps feeling too embarrassed to say anything as they don’t want to take away what Mums go through.
From a personal perspective, I don’t know what I would have done without that support. Holding my hand, being by my side, doing the night feeds and helping me work it all out while working it out himself too.
Dads… you are amazing! Here’s to the fathers who are role models, who make funny jokes, who work tirelessly to provide for their families. Please don’t ever underestimate the role you play in your families life. There is no shame in either parent needing help sometimes and men are equally justified to show emotion and talk when necessary.
To the single Mums and Dads, to the Aunties and Uncles, the Grandparents and everyone who plays a role in a child’s life, you are everything you can be.
To those battling with depression and/or anxiety every day, you are a fighter. And I’m so glad you’re still here.
When it comes down to it, remember we are all only trying our very best. And even on the days we feel guilt for any little thing or we haven’t done enough, to your child you are the world.
And that is more than enough reason to keep going. All of us so beautifully diverse, winning battles nobody knows about. Be kind, always. Focus on the little things. And listen openly when someone shares their problems.
Because it could be you one day.
And of course, we should encourage our kids to speak openly about how they’re feeling and set the best example also! There are some great organisations for youngsters including place2be.
Panic attacks might tap you on the shoulder, dark days might show themselves again. But you will still be you. Parent or otherwise. And that is your power. For whatever reason big or small, there will always be inspiration to keep going and good days will come.
It isn’t everyone elses perception of you that matters. It’s yours! And with that you can do anything including telling your children how you got to where you are today! That is enough!
You are enough.
UnitedWeParent 